i was rollin on her like bob the builder
Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
I love Welcome Back Week...No I wont accept your god but i will accept that hot dog
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
After he finished his girlfriend called him. I sat there, tied his shoes for him, then he high fived me and said "this is gonna be a great summer steph"
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
I feel like my sexual preferences are just another sign that I am a 75 year old drag queen in a 29 year old woman's body.
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
Randomize
