do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
Apparently I walked up to him, mumbled something incoherently, then started to make out with him. Why does this always happen.
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
Just fat and dog and sweat all over the bed. All night long.
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
It's the 30 sec rule.... the worst that could happen is I could die
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
Wow. I hope you were either doing that in your sleep or blacked out. You threw up then covered yourself in duct tape... i wish i got that on camera
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
Randomize
