You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
No you are right. With a nickname like Monster Cock, you shouldn't expect him to want to "just talk". I'd be insulted too
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
Sex in a tree, bucket list CHECK!
To describe how high he was he said, " I'm cocked out of my ape sandwich" so yes...that was some pretty good weed.
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
Randomize
