i just realized how high i was when i was screaming red light challenge at the top of my lungs and am watching it alone
you would pick up someone in the library
Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
Also I'm 95 percent positive we ate food naked together
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
HE'S LIKE A GREEK GOD BUT HE'S FROM BOSTON. HE'S A BOSTON GOD
pray to him
I WANNA PRAY ON HIS DICK
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
TFW YOU ACCIDENTALLY SEND A MEME ABOUT LIKING ANAL TO THE GROUP CHAT. JESUS FUCKING CHRIST, WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
Randomize
