I'm gunna smoke cigs today. I feel like I'm in that powerful and gritty mood which requires them
Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
He legit watched "Cops" the entire time he was fingering me.
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
Please come to class. I miss you and I have a horse mask
That was before I lit my hair on fire
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
Randomize
