I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
I just googled the nutrition facts for a mcgriddle and yet I still want to go to mcdonalds
Who the hell brings a 6pack to a party. I'm trying to make mistakes.
been home a week and haven't blacked out yet. i miss college
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
My dick hurts from so many people grabbing it last night. We're not going back to that club
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
I'm trying to puke quietly so i don't ruin my grandma's birthday/my graduation brunch. And you say i need to grow up.
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
So I've reached a new low. After completing my walk of shame and being told "see you around", I took off my heels to discover he had came in my shoe.
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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