I pooped in a mop bucket.
WTF???
Their employee restroom was locked what kind of customer service is that
chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
it sounds like her vocal chords are covered in pudding and rocks. come get me.
sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
Im 95% ready to shit behind 711
Just hook me up with your dad already stop being selfish
I've never been so embarrassed. It's like waking up as Fred Durst.
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
He's the one named Andrew. In his profile picture he is the one on the right in the monkey costume.
Randomize
