I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
dude, i was at the student union last night trying to study but some retarded sorority spent an hour voting on the color of the seasons shirts like it was a UN meeting- someone motioned purple, someone objected, and half an hour later after 2 recounts they decided on purple
That reminds me...we need to get swords
as we waited for a manager to come open the door that we broke while having sex on the wall, we decided to go round two in the hallway before he came back.. god i love hotels.
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
Randomize
