Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
Hello everyone will one of you please inform me on why I woke up in a cardboard recycle dumpster with no shirt and a stuffed animal? I want to hear this explanation.
Your godly.
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.
It's all fun and games until some random starts jerking it on the deck.
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
So my class is approximately two vomits from the bus stop. Happy first day of class
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
Randomize
