Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
he rubbed his balls on my face to wake me up.. this friends with benefits thing is getting out of hand.
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
Wanna go watch Transformers and scream "AMERICA!"? I need a no thought activity
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
I'm not gonna lie. I'm a little scared.
Good. The Jell-O shots look great.
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
What happened last night? All I know is that I walked into class this morning and everyone was chanting my name.
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