so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
Capitaan dildo arrescate!
she must of just birthed a child cause her labia touched the floor
still haven't packed clothes. only wine. gotta love spring break
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school
Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
Listen all we did was not even pretend we aren’t each other’s type and live together and constantly encourage each other to get laid for 6 months.
Idk how it devolved into us fucking.
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
Randomize
