I just threw up on my dentist
In these economic times, linking arms taking tequilla shots with your boss as an underage girl is the best job security I can think of
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
1 I really miss college walks of shame 2 I think I may have killed this girls cat
Neither of us have work tomorrow and we live w/n walking distance. This is your official Sandy booty call. Come rock me like a hurricane.
Well his arms broken so they only cuffed his good wrist to his belt. That's how he cast smacked me in custody.
I woke up and discovered I gave new meaning to the term "pizza pockets" yes it's exactly like it sounds like
we should definitely drink gin again. soon.
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
I guess you never know how much of an impact you have on someone until you sleep with their cousin
I screamed "You look like a guy I've fucked!" to your brother at a party... I have some explaining to do.
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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