Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
so i decided to listen to you and went ahead and slept with him. you owe me 3 minutes
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
I swear to god if he wasnt on the fourth floor balcony and I wasn't to drunk to climb I would kill him
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
I'm gonna go ahead and say I love our drinking habits but anytime we roundhouse a 750 of Schnapps on the way to a non competitive bowling league we might have problems
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
Feel free to drag me back to reality at your convenience
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
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