i also saw a trio of peacocks walking along a sidewalk in hollywood today. i really hope im not tripping.
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
I woke up naked on the bathroom floor. the tile grout marks on my boobs hurt, i mananged to use a roll toilet paper as a pillow. never again. did we eat salad?
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
wait you fucked a guy who wears k-swiss? seriously?
I know, im living my 7th grade dream
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
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