im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
well it doesn't count as a walk of shame if he drops you off at your class in his golf cart
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
Rosemary is literally sitting on the ground holding on to the rug because she thinks she is going to fall if she lets go. We smoked way too much.
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
Well I'm sleeping with two of them cause they have nice cars. And the third cause she has a big rack. I'm just really waiting for it all to blow up in my face so I can find a girl I'm actually interested in
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
Randomize
