i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
being able to look good while almost puking is a skill that takes a lot of puking to develop.
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
I stole a fireplace last night.
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
I just want to emotionally destroy him but also find out how big his dick is so this is perfect
i feel like spreading the word of drunken joy.
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
Randomize
