She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
My Vagina smells like Nemo again.
He shit in the bushes next to the pool at the Venetian, after throwing up in the hallway. You really can do anything in Vegas.
Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
Apparently having him hold an open book in front of me while i'm blowing him doesn't count as studying...
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
no, but he did start crying. who the fuck is 30, covered in tattoos and crys about an ex? get your shit together, man.
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
So... Sex in my rain boots last night. Trashy or a great show of character?
If it was with a guy, trashy. Sex with a girl is never trashy.
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
Randomize
