when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
Just paid off my possession ticket on 4/20. Helloooo awesome.
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
Can't even walk I haven't tried talking but I probably can't do that either
Yea I've gotten enough hickeys in my life to know what I'd look like with a neck tattoo. I think I'm getting a neck tattoo.
Being single/not living at home sucks. All I want is someone I can force to pick up my pizza for me so I don't have to talk to anyone.
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
you said something about joining a k-pop band before passing out topless on the trampoline.
not sure if actually covered in glitter or just drunk
may or may not have snorted a line of tums... wtf.
Randomize
