Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
You remember correctly you did get a golf cart ride out but it wasnt because you were special. You were so smashed you were screaming tiger at random golfers in the middle of there backswing.
We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
You working tonight?
Keg. Hottub. Wearimnh a 8th graders bikini. Mess
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
i'm hungover but need to study so i had a vodka orange juice, three ibuprofen and an adderall for breakfast. what up med school
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
Bleach your asshole, I'm on my way.
Who is this?!?!
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
Randomize
