Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
Remember when there was a happier time when people could all hang out together with out the awkwardness of the fact that she stole $1000 and cheated on a brother with another brother !?!??
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
He just showed up. He's like 5'8 and brought a beer pong table that has " I love gay boys" on it. How could this go wrong
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
I have to start drinking water I have a drug test to fail at 1:40
Randomize
