he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
i seriously wanted to pee on her right then.
I have an excuse to be a whore in Mexico. I'm conducting an experiment to see if small dicks are caused by the poor drinking water.
I guess I just laid down next to him with the entire pot of mac n cheese and started giving him a handie with one hand and eating with the other
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
He sent me a pic stitch collage of all the tit pics I had sexted him this month. It was so sweet!
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
You were supposed to catch herpes, not feelings!!!
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
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