the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
Welcome to Missouri, the show me your genitals state.
Pretty sure when I woke up the next morning we were still fucking. It just didn't stop.
She rode my dick so hard I momentarily lost hearing. I guarantee I had the better St Patrick's.
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
idk how many shots you took between 2:39 and 3:05, but your message went from "Please text me tomorrow." to "Why you sto textom?"
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
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