Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
you guys have a strange definition of the word fun. I would have said dangerous, terrifying, or life-threatening. of course, bowling can now be described the same way.
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
Stop jerking off to vines my recommended list on YouTube is getting weird.
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
He just told me my boobs made up for all the bad things that had ever happened to him. I'm definately having sex with him again.
Wearing panties to a party gives you a whole new perspective on life.
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
Randomize
