Memory from last night that just came back: me forcibly jacking him off while he yelled I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS
I just woke up in the coolest sweatsuit i have ever seen..it has cory's name on the tag...do we know a cory?
Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
woke up on my floor using my jeans i wore out as a pillow
haha i wouldn't expect any less of you
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
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