I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
Cure to hiccups..road head..high five
Threesome last night. Not that cool, you tend to pick a favorite.
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
you start one little fire by the lake and the police want to talk to you all night...
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
Randomize
