If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
How young is too young to ask my kid to make me a drink?
So are you the girl that gave me herpes? or was that the girl from the night before
I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
Is there a word for someone who only has sex with NFL prospects?
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
Made out with a girl in a wheelchair and rode her around while I was blackout. On a new level.
I was dressed as bob Ross as this occurred
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
I spent the whole party making out with some guy. He wasn't that cute but six of my sorority sisters are fighting over him so I had to do something..
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
BTW my friend remembers her as "the one with the pronounced chin"
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
I can't trust your balls anymore.
Randomize
