I kinda look like a classier blonde kenny powers.
I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
"Shots" of grape juice. I fucking hate Utah soooo fucking much.
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
Randomize
