dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
Just because i have a masturbation problem doesnt mean you can put 20 photos of Jesus in my room.
Just got the orientation leader spot. For the first two days, I will be one of the best looking guys on campus. The freshman girls will be so disappointed they settled for me when everyone else comes back.
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up�
Is he the circus guy or the bi-curious street preacher?
When he swipes my v card it will be comparable to my bat mitzvah. should I make sweatshirts or sweatpants?
well I tackled her when she was going to go upstairs because I was convinced that the house was haunted. You gotta stick together in horror movies.
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
RICK BROUGHT THE HOT BARTENDER HOME. SOMEONE CALL THE FIRE DEPARTMENT, CUZ RICKYS ON FIIIIIIIRE.
lmao nvm she punched him in the face and left
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