I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
maybe i get so drunk and make stupid mistakes cuz Subconsiously im preparing for my real world debut
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
I did not know male screamers existed until now. Good for him. Good for my ego.
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
he sent me a picture of him holding out his pinky so we could pinky promise. i have to fuck him now
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
Randomize
