it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
he turned the pretty ricky playlist on. its about to go down.
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
Holy fucking shit the worst thing for a hangover ever--A FUCKING BOLLYWOOD MOVIE BLARING IN CLASS
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
I kinda got drunk and threw my debit card into a bonfire so I don't have any money at the moment lol.
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
Randomize
