I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
i wish peter jackson would direct porn
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
Buying a new bed right now. My options are limited because I need to be able to be tied to it.
You were trust falling into bushes
I couldnt face her after that wonderful, terrible blowjob. Made a rope out of towels and climbed out her bathroom window.
I want to get drunk and watch somebody else's tragedy.
Randomize
