This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love
my shit smells like andre
the guy next to me needed a pen, so I let him take one from my book bag. my panties are now being passed around the class...thank you for telling me you hid them in my bookbag.
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
ambylanc
what?
there was an amgbulance. iw ish i was in it.
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
Randomize
