So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
She just squirted all over my face. then laughed at me and took a pic
i just threw up repeatedly on the entire entire walk down A1A to the pizza place....then on the way back slipped and fell in it
she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
I'm more impressed with the spaghetti smoothie at the present moment.
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
Correction... Drunk on winter break. There are no days of the week on break.
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
you start one little fire by the lake and the police want to talk to you all night...
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
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