$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
Dude I just peed on my pants. not in them though. and yes there is a difference
It saddens me that girls will never know the wonder feeling of pulling your sweaty nutsack off of your leg.
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
it only took me 1 hour to write 8 pages. i'm never doing school work without adderall ever again.
Whatever. I'm saving myself for my wedding night or a night with enough patron.
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
just so it's not awkward when you get here, you and my dog have the same name.
Hahaha nice
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
Randomize
