Fantastic night. drank beer from a wine bottle, danced on a van, chased a llama, and fell from a fence
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
well i just set every background of each phone in the verizon store to my face
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
High water is the most godliest tasting water in the world.
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
I was orgasming and dying of laughter at the same time. I think I've found the One.
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
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