what time did you get home last night?
SO late...when your in the lap of a 35 year old superstar you loose track of time
He said to me " i could be your father but i dont care"...it was so hott
I hope you get used to having plenty of sperm because you're never gonna get any.
What can I say...he's packing some serious heat down there. You wouldn't expect that looking at him, huh?
I guess God knew he was going to be bald...
Sober January is a disaster.
Want to come to my BBQ and Blow party?
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
The gay viking and his eqyptian 'queen' hooked up on our couches. They pushed them together to make a bed. Innovative, but awkward to come home from work to at 7 am.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
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