I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
we have officially mastered the walk of shame
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
Has now officially visited every ER in this city in one semester.
Well no need to be a stranger, even if you aren't interested in joining my bisexual polygamist marriage. New city, new friends.
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
For the first time in my life, I may be the most normal person in the room.
Update: I am definitely the most normal person in this room. And the least tattooed.
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
Randomize
