One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
The old saying is "its not the size of the boat-- but the motion of the ocean" is obviously for those on the "Small side." I am of the belief that "You can't churn butter with a toothpick"
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
I feel like I have streams of color and coldness wrapping around my body.
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
I don't �care how much you're grieving �a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.�
So for St Paddys day I colored my junk green and got a little hat for him....wanna see it before I sober up....
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
Two grav bong hits and a shower later and I'm ready for company
It's like you say things that speak to my soul on a deep personal level
Want to sleep. Also want to see Alex on MDMA doing really stupid shit. Choices...
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
Randomize
