drink some water, pull the trigger, get a bfast sandwich. Only good things.
when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
found a naked boy completely buried under a pile of her clothes and terrified...she says she was "saving him for later"
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
Did you really get 12 corn dogs from the gas station last night?
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
Woke up in a hotel room with some random guy then walked over a mile to the bus stop where I laid down and waited on the bus. GREAT NIGHT
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
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