Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
I swear she didn't look like that last week.
I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
Let me shower first- i smell like sex and rock climbing (not so sure how that happened)
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
It's been three years since Kelly shit in the to go box that we put in Sam's mailbox after we broke up. Considering Sam and I are friends again, should I finally tell him?
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
Randomize
