If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
Exactly how deep of a burn should you have when you pee before becoming legitimately concerned?
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
Well that wasnt the exboyfriend i expected to hook up with today
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
Lesson learned the hard way. If it's a "no" on a dating site, it's also a no if you ever run into the person anyplace in public. It's a slap if you mention wanting to poke.
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
It's hot as dicks out. Lets get drunk on the roof and make pterodactyl sounds at people.
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
got cock blocked by the cops again. two of the cops were the same ones from that t bell incident and they recognized me... they still dont like me
Randomize
