Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
Church boner. Awkwardddd
He has a tattoo of a carebear. This is not happening.
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
wine lets you be on time to class apparently
This is a dangerous realization
It wasn't so much skinny dipping. It more like skinny walking...through a fountain.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
I've entered the world of uncircumcised penises. It's disgusting.
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
Just to clear things up, yes you did lick the strippers butt
apparently i ended up downloading "thats amore", giving him head, and singing it... all at the same time
Randomize
