if you like me you must not know who I am
I bet a guy could be masturbating under the table now and people would just think he was clapping along.
just spent all of my last class as a college student, vomiting in the bathroom. its moments like these i will cherish
i had confetti in my bra
i still find it in random places like a shoe or my car. that week haunts me
I think they were making kool-aid in my bed. There is lots of sugar and my hands and face are stained blue.
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
Not good... He ate my chips. Thats not a sex analogy for anything. My actual potato chips... gone. I lost on both ends.
I've already dropped her on the ground of a crowded bar dancing , been incoherent drunk to the point i couldn't speak and came within 2 seconds all on separate evenings so at this point she should know what I'm about
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
also i don't know what you guys ate last night but he broke the toilet
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
Randomize
