life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
When I eventually hook up with a resident lets refer to it as taking a hands on approach to my job
Was she always missing a tooth or am I just now noticing it?
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
New fuck buddy and long time fuck buddy are carpooling home for thanksgiving. #10hrconvoaboutmyblowjobskills
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
I just found your "it's drinking time" note in my chem notes. Why did this never happen??
I was waiting for you to find it...I'll be over in 5
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
Randomize
