my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
I was passed out in a dog food bowl tor two hours. Just tapped my dinner beer. I love homecoming.
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
This is where you say "Why yes we will drink with reckless abandon and hopefully not be in a church parking lot again."
Finding that toy duck there was weird right?
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
She had her pubic hair down there shaved into the superman s............. Best one night stand ever.
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
So now I have had sex with 2 people my son graduated high school with.
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
my penis made a compromise with my morals
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize
