She wants her shit back. Clearly she missed the cheaters-get-their-shit-ritually-burned clause.
that girl looks like she smells like hot dog water...
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
I always enjoy the bewildered gaze as I buy chips, salsa and beer @ 0745.
Let's just say he sent me a picture of his dick and I was more impressed with the collection of video games he had in the background...
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
I am not walking across campus just to give you a blow job in the hopes that in return i can study more efficiently.
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
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