I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
he just made me do "this little piggy" to his toes.
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
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