everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
it was surprisingly calming to be rocked to sleep by his roommate humping on the bottom bunk
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
I vaguely remember stopping for a bag of bugles and some lube and then I woke up this morning with melted chocolate on my hands. I think I love him
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
Just got recognized as black out drunk girl. I'm never going to live that down, am I?
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
MANIFESTATION IS REAL AND IM GETTING LAID TONIGHT
Randomize
