Ok let's jusst not talk today bc then we'll just do dangerous things but I'll say hello
Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
I'm not gonna not go for it, she's foreign and pulled a shotglass out of her thong.
Gay TA. Finally going to boost my GPA your way.
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
Well I think it's fate. Considering march is my fave month because it's my birthday and st. Patrick's day. And his name is Patrick. I'm sleeping with him all through march. No question.
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
I dont even remember what i was saying but just one minute i was crying and the next i was showing u my genitals
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
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