somebody snuck up and got me drunk
Motorboating on a tuesday night. not too shabby....
The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
I just fired a shotgun out of the back of a truck going 60. i am going to miss oregon.
i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
Worst PDA I've ever seen. She even licked the mustard off his mustach
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
I kinda just want to steal him and keep him forever
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
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