Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
You compared your dick to a twizzler. In no way, shape, or form is that a turn on.
it's to the point where working 2 jobs this summer will absolutely not cover how much i will spend on alcohol next semester.
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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